BLD News (Toronto)- The City of Toronto War Office reported that for the week ending June 12, 2009, that there were 1643 casualties. The tally included 341 Fords with car on car bumper damage, 27 Hondas with paint scratches from shopping buggies and Lexus reported the loss of 49 doors from T-Bones. Contrary to General Ootes assertions, no forces reported any casualties from engagements with pedestrians or cyclists. On the other hand, the Pedestrian Union reported that its soldiers suffered 3 very serious casualties when GMC fired a 'Tahoe' cruise missile at a crowded bus stop.
Sources tell BLD News that the United Nations is expected to dispatch Rush Limbaugh as its chief peace envoy to Toronto's 'War on the Car'.
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In other news motorists war on pedestrians and bicyclists kept emergency departments and mortuaries busy. Councillor Doug Holyday speaking on behalf of his contributors chimed "We can no longer hate on social, cultural and sexual grounds. We need a group to focus our hate on to maintain our healthy mania". Councillor Case Ootes quipped "We stole those roads fair and square and need to teach those others to stay out of our way until they get their own oil burners".
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